I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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