Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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