I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
