Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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