I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
