So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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