I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
