Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
