im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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