I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize