so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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