If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
