my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
our cab driver is having phone sex.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
