I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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