I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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