Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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