I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You are a genius and a whore.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
