I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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