Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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