Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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