I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
