i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
