awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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