dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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