I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
