Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
