So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
