he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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