how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize