So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
