mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
