I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I will be naked everywhere
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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