Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
