my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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