I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
