This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
