I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
