yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize