please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Randomize
