My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize