Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
