My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
