I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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