The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
