i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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