I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
