I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
