i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
