you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
