my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
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