If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
