I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
