I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
