The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
