ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
