Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize