just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
as a side note pls kill me
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
