We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
